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I have heard my hometown expressed as all of these names (and there are probably a few I have missed). Regardless whether I refer to Medicine Lodge with a demeaning title or a more favorable name, I cannot deny that it is my home. 

As I was sitting in church this morning (my first time ever at 7 AM mass I might add) my mind started to wonder. There are only two places in my little secluded world that I feel safe, at ease. Those two places are in church and in Medicine Lodge. While my mind is still meandering away from the sermon, I started to wonder why. 

I don't doubt or wonder why I feel safe and at ease in church, in fact I am pleased that I do, and I hope that I can always turn to the church and God when I need a safe place. But to me, ML and the church seem interconnected in my life somehow. 

First of all, even if I go to a church I have never been to, with absolutely no one I've ever seen in my life before, the atmosphere, the proverbial service, and the conformity is somewhat comforting. I feel connected with everyone in the church. Everyone in His house at that time is there for the same purpose. 

When I'm at home, I get the same sense of conformity. I may sound naive when I say this, but to me, Medicine is like one of those towns you read about in novels, the ones that are a couple decades behind the rest of the world, yet no one seems to mind. The familiar faces, the memories at every corner, and above all else, my family. 

Yet the reasons I love my home are the same reasons I find myself returning less as I grow older, apart from my family. Where the familiar faces and memories are comforting, in a conflicting way, they can also be extremely overwhelming. In the same sense, the way everyone seems to stay the same is refreshing, but at the same time, I have spent three years now away from the monotonous, phlegmatic life in ML. When I do return home, I feel out of place, like I don't belong somehow. 

Whether I belong or not, I love my hometown. Being raised in Medicine Lodge sets me apart from all but 1500 people in this world, and like the Montgomery Gentry song, "I'm pretty damn proud of where I come from." 

Peace, Love, and Indians 

 

 

 

This I Believe

For my Political, Philosophical, and Historical Issues class, our first assignment was to write a 1-2 page essay on our philosophy of life or our set of beliefs. And this is what I came up with. (It's still a rough draft. I need to revise it in the morning when I have a fresh mind.)

This I Believe

            Growing up as a middle child in a house with three other siblings, all a fifteen months apart, there were many instances of scuffles, arguments, and flaring tempers. Looking back now, I have enormous respect for my parents concerning how they not only miraculously established order, but also enforced a set of values that I still carry with me today.

            I was raised in a Catholic household where religion, respect, and integrity were valued above all else. These three values have aided me through the course of my life, helping me to make educated decisions, reflect upon my actions, and shape me into the person I have come to be today. Growing up, my parents taught me and my siblings to turn to God in times of need and in thanksgiving. My faith has provided me with the guidelines to be a better person, and even when I stray from my not so straight and narrow path, it offers me a strong hand back in the right direction.

            Respect was something that was not an option that my parents offered us, but a requirement in every situation. From the time I was able to decipher right from wrong, my parents taught me to respect other people’s property and ideas. Disrespect was not, and still is not tolerated. This concept of respect for others guides my decision making and also helps me react to negative situations in a way that defends my character.

            Integrity, in the terms of acting in ways that coincide with one’s set of beliefs and values, is the hardest of the three values to obtain, but is the most valuable. The ability to express your ideas and act in accordance to your beliefs sets the genuinely good people apart from the hypocrites who say one thing and do another. This value was introduced to me at a very young age, and although it can never be perfected, it can be developed and practiced. My integrity grows stronger with every challenging situation I am faced with.

            With the help of these three values, combined with past experiences, I have set up a strong foundation to deal with my ever changing life-journey. Each new semester of school brings me closer to the day I will graduate and take on a classroom of my own. Every new semester brings new classes, professors, and classmates; each of these having the possibility of presenting me with fresh difficulties that have not yet emerged. Having built a strong foundation, I always have somewhere to turn with the never ending questions that will inevitably challenge me.  I am constantly learning to open my mind to new ideas and explore the possibilities that will be presented. I sincerely hope that I can continue to explore the ever changing ideas that surround me, while continuing to grow in my faith, be a respectful individual, and protect my integrity, above all else. 


Like I said, it's rough.. but I think it's a good start. I haven't really had to write much thus far in college. Which is slightly surprising. 
Anyways, 
Peace, love, and frozen grapes

Here I Am

So I wrote on New Years Eve that one of my new years resolutions was to go to church every Sunday. I know it's only been 2 maybe 3 weeks that have passed since, but so far have done good!

When I do miss church, it's not necessarily because I don't want to go, but that it is "inconvenient" or I have things I would rather be doing. Whether that be homework that I put off all week, a movie on TV, or open gym at my school. All are rather pathetic excuses for missing church and I am ashamed.

So when I laid down for bed last night, I set my alarm for 7:45, which gave me enough time to get ready for church and pack a bag with things for work and softball as I would be unable to get back home. So when my alarm goes off, I of course hit the snooze. Three times. So at 8:10ish I was so close to resetting my alarm so I would have enough time to make it to work on time, but something in the back of my mind told me to get out of bed and get my butt to church. And I am so glad I did.

I do my best when I am at church to pay attention. I try to listen intently to the readings, consider the homily, and make sense of what is actually going on in the mass, but I usually lose that battle to sagging eyes and a wandering mind halfway through.

The first reading today was 1 Samuel 3:3-10, 19. The reading was about Samuel and his first calling to the Lord. When he is continually called in his sleep by the Lord, he runs to Eli and says "Here I am, as you called me." And Eli sends him back to bed saying he did not call him. Finally, Eli realizes Samuel is being called by the Lord and tells Eli that the next time he is called he is to reply "Speak, Yahweh; for your servant is listening."

During the homily the priest talked about his experience with being called to the church and took the congregation through his journey. He urged us to accept our calling to the Lord, but when we do we must be committed to it. This is not to say that we can't follow the Lord and grow in our faith if we are not totally committed. But he continually put off joining the priesthood and went to college for two years and when he finally did, he knew exactly what he was meant to do. I think we are all called, and I think some of us don't listen. I am guilty of both.

The second reading really caught my attention. 1 Corinthians 6:13-15, 17-20.

As I listened to this reading, I was instantly hooked. 

Part of the passage reads

¹⁸ Keep away from sexual immorality. All other sins that people may commit are done outside the body; but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
¹⁹ Do you not realise that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you and whom you received from God?
²⁰ You are not your own property, then; you have been bought at a price. So use your body for theglory of God.

This passage constantly reminds us that in addition to immorality being a sin against your own body, it also points out that your body is a member of Christ's body, so by sinning against your body, you are sinning against Christ's body as well. If you treat your body as a "temple of the Holy Spirit" you are glorifying God.

Starting this semester, I am going to make my body the most glorious, magnificent temple and Holy Spirit could want to dwell in. By doing this I am going to glorify God the best way I know how to. I am going to live for him. I am going to play for him. Every day I step out on that field. Every time I swing a bat, throw a ball, or call a pitch. I know he blessed me with my talents and he could take them away from me in a second. I am truly blessed, not just by my athleticism, but with an amazing family, an abundance of friends, and endless opportunities given to me.

With that, I am going to bed.

Peace, Love, and Jesus <3 

Twenty-Dozen

So it's officially the new year. 2012. The year there it's all supposed to end.

Personally I don't buy into that. But hey, you never know.

So before I move onto what this new year is going to be, here's some highlights of 2011.

• Competed in the conference tournament. Jets fly together!
• I lost my Grandmother. I love you Gma Betty. 
• I moved out of the dorms and into a real house. Where I have to pay rent and bills and such. 
• I got my first 4.0 of college!
• Probably my favorite thing about 2011 was playing on my summer slowpitch team. I had a blast with those guys. Can't wait for next summer!
• Saw The Script and Safetysuit live!
• Tried and failed slapping in softball. Now I'm determined to swing just like Matt Holliday.
  
  
• Completed another year without getting into any alcohol related legal issues or pregnant. 
• Still single. 

So for 2012. I've never really made a resolution before. I don't think I would actually carry it out. But I guess if I'm going to make one it would have to be to stop letting other people determine my happiness. My biggest flaw. If this is the last year, I want it to be a happy one. 

This is also the year I turn 21. Kind of scary. I think my bank account is going to suffer just as much as my liver. 

I also start taking my first education classes this year. And this will be my second to last year playing college softball... That's crazy to think. After that's over, all I'll have left is slow pitch and coaching. Ahh. Getting old. 

So I guess that's that. As soon as I make my way back to Wichita, I'm going to write on my mirror that I look at everyday and prominently display my new year's resolution. I also want to start praying more. And go to church every Sunday. Okay, that's my other resolution. I will go to church every week. No exceptions. 

I'm going to bed. Tomorrow starts the year of happiness. Hopefully. 

Peace, Love, and Resolutions

My Kick It List

We all have them. Things we want to do before we die. Or before a certain age. Some of them are realistic. Some are so out of this world, literally, they are merely fantasies. I am no different. I think a lot of people call it their "Bucket List." But I'm going to call it "My Kick It List." These are all things I want to do before I kick it. Whether that means before I die or before I'm married and have my 8 kids and unable to even dream about completing any of them. 

1. Live in North Carolina. I think I want my permanent residence to be on the east coast. This is a little far fetched. Not only because the odds of me escaping Kansas are very low, but also because it's hard to pick up everything and relocate. But, since I have virtually nothing. I guess it's not so far fetched for me. 
2. Own a boxer. My puppy now is adorable. I love her. But nothing can compare to a boxer. I would name him "Cannon." #lifegoal
   
    
3. Watch a sunset on the beach. This would be easy to come by if I pick up and move to North Carolina. Sunsets are beautiful alone, but I could not imagine how breathtaking the reflection of the sunset in the water would be. And of course it would be made perfect hand in hand with the love of my life. 
4. Travel to Ireland. I'm a sucker for accents. Southern accents, British accents, hick accents... Ireland accents would take the cake. I would be absolutely defenseless against a sexy Irish fellow. 
5. Horseback riding on the beach. You see it in movies, but I'm not entirely sure if anyone ever actually does it. I also want to own a horse someday. A buckskin pony. Named "Chellarae." Just a fun fact, I have names picked out for all of my future kids and pets, so I hope my future husband doesn't have much of an opinion because I'm not changing my mind.
   
    
6. Fish in the dark. Okay, I've actually already done this. Many times. But I want to fish in the dark, with a campfire, and wine, under the stars, with someone I care about. 
7. Watch all the Harry Potter movies in one day.
8. Be naked all day. I want to go through a day without wearing any clothes at all. 
9. Meet a stranger at a bar and really get to know them. I turn 21 in 51 days. So I guess I can't accomplish this one until later. And I want it to be an interesting person. Someone with a story. 
10. Meet The Script, Safetysuit, or Mayday Parade. My first choice would be the guys from The Script. Their lyrics amaze me and I would love to pick their brains and learn where their inspiration comes from.
    
    
11. Visit a lighthouse. I think I'm destined to live on the water someday. No lie. 
12. Tell someone how I really feel. And not someone that knows me. Like Colton. I want to completely open up to someone who hasn't known me my entire life. That's a tough one. 
13. Smoke a cigar. The only think I've ever smoked is a hookah. And I didn't like it. But I want to smoke a cigar. I would be okay with never smoking a cigarette ever in my life. 

I'll probably add to this list at a later date, but for now, I think this will do. 

Peace, Love and Dreams

Why So Serious?

I have this strange feeling that people take me too seriously. I could have bigger issues, but this one tends to bother me. I would estimate that 65-75% of everything I say is sarcasm.
Problem is - I don't think it translates as sarcasm to people other than my close friends. My close friends know how sarcastic I am.
In all truth, I maybe sorta can get irritated easily, but it doesn't last. And I also try not to show it. So I want to know why everyone takes me so seriously.

Maybe I should start dressing up as the joker and proclaim "Why so serious?!"

Then maybe people would laugh with me. I would like some feedback on this. If anyone reads this. Generally I'm a pretty laid back, carefree person. I don't like people thinking I'm an uptight, temperamental psycho. 

I can be. On occasions. Rare occasions. But we all have our moments. 

On another note - It's finals week. I only have two finals. One in Concepts of MIS and one in Discrete Math. I need to study for both. But have so far been unsuccessful. I think at this point in the semester there is a relatively long list of things that I would rather do than study. Since I have the handy dandy tool of a numbering system, I'll just go ahead and make that list

1. Clean - If I am trying to avoid studying, I will clean my room, the kitchen, the bathroom.. anything. Do laundry. Anything but study.
2. Cook - I think a lot of people eat when they are procrastinating something, but I don't just heat up a hot pocket or throw a frozen pizza in the oven. I'll make some delicious cupcakes or a full blown meal. Much more time consuming.
3. Movie - This one is kind of a given. This one throws me off though. Because I'll tell myself that I'll study while I watch the movie. Yeah, that never happens. 
4. Read - My Kindle has drastically forced me to decrease my study time this semester. 
5. Work out - This isn't necessarily a bad thing. A little exercise is good for a person. Especially since I will be leaving for Florida in two weeks. That bikini isn't going to look good on its own!
6. Blog - If I can somehow put the millions of thoughts into words, I will write them down. Here in my lovely blog. Usually I can't put them together in a form that makes sense to the average human being, resulting in a post much like this one.

Anyways. I'm going to try and study. Yeah, that was a lie. I'm going to watch The Holiday and dream of a romance like the one Jude Law and Cameron Diaz have in that movie. (Great movie, by the way) 

Peace, Love, and Snowflakes

Fate, Luck, and Meant to Be

Bleh. I felt like writing tonight, but I kept thinking of a million different things I wanted to write about. So I guess I'll hit on them all. I'm going to center this post on quotes. Quotes from books that I've read and kept on my Kindle. 

First quote - Drumroll please.....

"The simple truth [is] that sometimes the most ordinary things [can] be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people"

This quote is taken from The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks. Hands down my favorite author. Up until this year a rarely read any books unless he wrote them, but I ran out and had to venture out and try something new.
So. This quote. I love it. Why? Because it's true. I think almost everyone who has ever lived can probably agree on this. Some of my first memories are riding in the tractor with my dad. Definitely an ordinary thing. Unless of course you've never been on a tractor, then I suppose it wouldn't seem so ordinary. It was a pretty common thing for me and my siblings to do on the weekends. We would fight over it and we had to take turns. We'd be out there for hours. Bouncing around. Joking with my dad. Listening to Shania Twain and Faith Hill. I'll always remember my dad singing "I Feel Like A Woman." Example one of an ordinary thing made extraordinary, because I was with my dad.
I have other memories, but I'm not quite up to hashing them out tonight.

"So I feel unsettled about my future and somewhat regretful about my past."

This quote probably doesn't have the same effect as the previous one. This one is taken from "Something Borrowed" by Emily Giffen. Great book. Which was also made into a great movie. I think it's common to feel unsettled about your future. I mean if you know exactly what you want to do, and you know exactly how you're going to do it, I suppose... good for you? I think that is a very rare occurrence. For me, I know what I want to do. At least for now. I want to coach. And teach, I guess. At a small school in a rural town. Preferably in North Carolina. Now my problem is getting there. I think I can probably manage my way through school easily enough. But then the job hunt begins. More than likely my first job will not be where I want. Eventually I think I can make my way over to the east coast.
The second part, about having regrets, is the part that I almost wish I didn't like. But of course, it is my favorite part about the quote. I read a quote somewhere once that said something along the lines that you shouldn't regret things because at one time that's what you wanted. Bleh. I don't really wanna talk about regrets either. We all have them. I think that's enough said about that.

"Life can be a series of happy mistakes."

This one comes from Faking It by Elisa Lorello. Ahh I love this quote.

"Does trust have to be earned? Or is it simply a matter of faith?"

This one comes from At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks. It's weird how alike everyone is, yet we're all so different. Some people can go about life trusting in anyone. They get hurt a lot, but it pays off. Some people don't trust anyone. They don't get hurt, but then again, they don't take any risks. You can miss a lot by doing this. I think I'm somewhere in the middle, but probably closer to the not trusting anyone side. I don't think I was always like that. Somewhere along the way it changed.. Slowly I'm sure. We all put up walls, some of us just build taller walls than others. We all want to see who's brave enough to climb over them or knock them down.

"and the thought of him could still stop me in my tracks, send a ripple through my heart, fix a knot in my chest."

The power of exes. It amazes me. Love the One You're With by Emily Giffen. This is another book I would recommend to just about anyone. I think somewhere along the way everyone has that one ex. The one that has these exact effects. If you don't have that one ex, well in my opinion, you're probably with them now or you lack emotional depth.

"A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life."

Also taken from Love the One You're With. When my brother went to college, he grew away from my parents. Granted he lives about 3 hours from home. When he got his girlfriend, I think that distance grew. And now their married and I think it's even further. I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all. I love my brother. I love his wife. But I have never gone more than 2 days without speaking to my mother and father. I am a daddy's girl, always have been, and I don't doubt I always will be.

"The past can be embraced only by embracing something better."

This one's from Nicholas Sparks' latest book, The Best of Me. Loved this book. I will admit it wasn't my favorite, but I still loved it. This, in particular, is something I'm working on.

And my last few quotes are taken from Why I Love Singlehood by Elisa Lorello and Sarah Girrell. Loved this book.

"But these days, I'm more taken with the idea of being my own best friend. Because if you can't live with yourself, you'll never be able to live with anybody else."

I like this quote because it's something I know I struggle with. I think a lot of the times, we're all looking for someone to "complete" us. I want to be "complete" before I find someone. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be able to deal with my struggles on my own. So I know I can. Eventually (hopefully) I'll have someone to fall into when I need to. But I would like to be able to deal with my struggles on my own.

Finally, my new favorite quote.

"Singlehood is about finding and committing to the love of your life. I'm talking about the literal love of your life. Being in a place of self-sufficiency, strength, independence, comfort, confidence, and happiness is what matters. No relationship, not matter how seemingly perfect and compatible you are, can give you these things. You have to find them within. You have to bring them to your relationship. Because in the end, you don't have to be alone to be single. And being single doesn't mean that you are alone. In other words, singlehood is a state of mind."

I know it's a long one, but it's worth reading. I think it pretty much speaks for itself. With that, I'm going to watch Something Borrowed, maybe have a glass of wine, and try to figure out what the literal love of my life is. Perhaps I haven't found it yet. I suppose I'll just have to keep looking.

In the meantime,
Peace, Love, and Happiness