First off, I am well aware that this post is being written on November 16, not November 15, but the purpose of this post is the earlier date. Long story short, if the 365 day calender was 364, eliminating November 15, I would be a completely different person. Three years and one day ago, I officially entered my relationship with that one guy. That one stupid guy that I just can't get over. Aside from the fact that we dated only 8 months and have been broken up for over 2 years, I just can't get over him. Let's call him Gerald for future reference. But that's not the point of this post. Okay well it is, but not like the dwell on the fact that I'm single and I still love him, la de dah bull shit. I've already covered that topic. Several times. I'm all talked out about that topic. Okay well I'm not all talked out, but I know there's a very slim number of people who are still willing to listen, and those few people only do so because they know how I feel and what I need to do to make things seem okay for a bit.
How is it possible for one day to mean so much. I mean really. Think about it. 24 hours. 1440 minutes. 86,400 seconds. And out of those 86,400 seconds, it took Gerald maybe 4 seconds for him to say "will you be my girlfriend" and maybe 5 seconds for me to say "I would love that." (pause inserted for dramatic effect.) This all happened at about 3 AM on November 15, 2008. So total 9 seconds. Out of that entire day. 9 seconds. I had no idea that those 9 seconds would forever change the way I feel about myself, the male population in general, and my life as a whole. I know there were a lot of other factors involved in this scenario, but ultimately, if those 9 seconds never happened, ever.. where would I be right now? I mean, if Gerald never asked me to be his girlfriend, I never would have spent 8 months with the most amazing guy I've ever met, I never would have broken his heart, and he mine, and I never would have spent the last 2 years wondering about what might have been and what I could/should have done different.
After covering all of that, it brings to light how much every second means in your life. I'm not talking about the 45 seconds I just used to walk to the kitchen and pour my 3rd glass of wine for the night, but seconds such as the last 1800 seconds I got to spend with my Grandma. The last 120 seconds I ever spent with her. Using those seconds to say goodbye, knowing I'd never laugh with her again. Knowing I'd never get to listen to her tell me she has a new guy to introduce me to. As menial as they may seem, seconds to matter. Not every second. But one second can change your life. One minute can, and one hour easily can. Life's full of surprises. With that, I'm going to allow myself the rest of the week to listen to my "November 15" playlist, (which consists of the songs that make my heart ache for him) and after that, I'm going to try once again to be happy. To let someone in.. I know it'll probably lead to another failed attempt and I'll end up alone in my bed, listening to this same music and thinking about Gerald, but eventually I'll convince myself that it's okay.
I love you Grandma B. I think about you every day. You were stubborn, funny, strong, and opinionated, but you gave me the greatest father anyone could ask for, who in turn married the greatest mom anyone could ask for, 51 cousins, 10 aunts and uncles, and thousands of memories. If I leave even half that impression on one person in this world, I will be satisfied. I know you're enjoying you're time with Grandpa now :) But we all miss you down here. Keep and eye on it. You know as well as we do you passed that ornery trait down to every one of your grandkids and we all need all the help we can get.
Peace, love and boomerangs.
