Rules For Dining - From a Server

Personally, one job I think every human being should be required to do at some point in their life is to be a server/waiter/waitress. However you want to classify it. It's not a hard job. Pretty mindless work, honestly. But you develop very valuable traits while learning how to deal with picky customers, screaming kids, and non fluent English speaking cooks. And that's only the tip of the iceberg my friends. Many of the things that tick servers off the most, I doubt people even realize what they are doing. So I decided to do the world a favor and write them all down.

1. Try to keep the orders simple - I am a picky eater so this isn't the first of my worries. But when a table sits down and their order is "I want a steak. But I don't want the garlic butter on it. And I don't really like broccoli. So can I have corn on the cob instead? But I don't want that seasoning that you put on your corn. Oh and can I have done not quite medium? Like just tell the cooks you want it almost medium. They'll understand." Okay woman/man. What you don't understand is that I have a hard enough time communicating with our cooks as it is, because they are not the most fluent English speakers to start out with. Second, they are stubborn. They don't like to be told what to do. 
2. Control your kids - I can't even begin to understand what it is like to control four young, restless, hungry, children, but let's be serious here. When your children are running around two isles down and yelling and picking at people's food on other people's tables, you might want to do something about that.
3. If you bring kids, bring entertainment - Now I'm not asking you to bring an entire toybox, but most restaurants will provide you with a kids menu that doubles as a color sheet. If that can't keep your kid entertained for the 15 minutes it's going to take to prepare your food, bring them a barbie. Or a dinosaur. That'd keep me entertained. 
4. Don't ask for crackers - Your child is not going to eat them. They are going to smash them up and throw them all over the floor for me to sweep up after you leave. And keep them out of the sugar caddies. Those are dreadful to fill. 
5. Talk to your server - Nothing is worse than a table that says nothing to you. I'm not asking to carry on a full blown conversation with me, but don't act like I'm a disgrace to society and I can't comprehend a simple conversation. 
6. Large parties - If you come into eat with a party of 7+ people, don't expect the same service if you came in with 2 people. Serving isn't hard work, but trying to keep drinks refilled for ten people at one table and your 5 other tables isn't easy. Also, don't expect your food to come out before 15 minutes. Probably isn't going to happen. Another note - your best chances of having your drink refilled the most are if you're drinking water.. and most of the time tea. We have pitchers for those.
7. One drink is sufficient - Unless you have some medical condition that requires you to have a pop and water (which I have not heard of one yet) you do not need a Coke and a water. I hate those tables that have four people at them, but I have to carry out eight drinks because each person needs a pop and a water. 
8. If you're going to be high maintenance, you better tip well - that one pretty much speaks for itself. 
9. To add on to 5, don't talk down to me like I'm stupid - I may be a server, but I'm not stupid. What you don't realize is that I'm a college student, who not only juggles practice and homework but a job as well. 
10. If you want something, ask - If I come to your table and say "is there anything else I can get for you?" Tell me. I go out to eat too. I ask for things. But try and converse with your table and ask for them all at once. Don't do it one at a time so I have to run back and forth to your table 18 times in 2 minutes. 
11. If you don't like your food, tell me - The number one priority we are taught is to keep the customers happy. In the end, I probably won't be dealing with it, my manager will.
12. If you get half your meal discounted off, you still have to leave a tip - especially if it wasn't the servers fault. We ring orders in wrong, but sometimes the cooks prepare it wrong. When the latter happens, there really wasn't a whole hell of a lot we could do about it. 
13. Most importantly TIP YOUR SERVER - I don't care how poor you are, if you can afford to go out to eat, you can afford to leave 15% of your ticket. I get paid $2.15 an hour. Another note on that, servers talk. If you come in and don't tip, I guarantee you every server in that establishment knows you aren't going to tip them, and you probably won't get very good service. 

I think that is sufficient for now. Maybe this will have a follow up post at a later date. After I've worked a few shifts and I remember to take mental notes of the biggest pet peeves. 

Peace, love, and showtunes