To start this off - to my readers, this is a sad, sob story of a blog entry. It won't be interesting, I'm only writing it to get my feelings out and the easiest way for me to do this is write it down. So before you waste ten valuable minutes or less - give or take a minute or two - I'm not expecting anyone to make it past this first paragraph.
I believe I am a very good manipulator if I choose to be. So good in fact, that I can manipulate myself. I can make myself freak out over stepping in the batters box, even though I have done so for 16 years straight and never had this problem. I can convince myself that I am very good at something, when in fact, I am at best mediocre at the given activity. The biggest problem this manipulation technique comes into play is in my instability as a whole. From the outside, the people I hang around most would probably say I am for the most part happy, easy going, complains a lot, but knows how to have a good time. The above most certainly is true when I am around my friends. My problem is, when I am alone, the second I am alone, my persona completely changes. Instead of playing upbeat hip/hop music, my music selection changes to emo punk rock and incredibly depressing music. It seems almost automatic and I don't even realize I do this anymore. I don't think I have always been this way, but it is hard to pinpoint the time in my life when I started behaving this way.
You always see in movies that there's always that one person, the one that you never get over, the one you always judge your relationships on, the one you dwell on, and the one that still aches when you think about it. I would like to say I have one of these. But then again, I don't feel its fair for me to say this. There are people who feel this way because they were the ones who had to go through the heart ache of getting broken up with and being forced to get over their love. In my case, I was the one doing the heartbreaking. Just like I do every time. I have, in fact, never been broken up with. I don't know what is wrong with me mentally, but after a certain period of time, I grow bored with by significant other, and end things. In the case of my "one," about a month after we broke up, I wanted him back, but it just wasn't meant to be. The year I went through after this break up contains all the biggest regrets of my life. Allowing myself to be used, drinking way too much, and doing badly in school were some of the major things that I put myself through. Finally, I got a new boyfriend. Over a year and a half later, I started dating someone. It didn't last long, and I broke up with him before we lasted for two months. A little over a month later, I was in another relationship. This one lasted about three months before I ended this one. Now here I am - almost two years since me and my "one" broke up and I still find myself constantly turning on those songs that remind me of him and if I can muster up the courage, creep on his facebook page, just to be able to see his face. To see that he's happy. See that he's so much better off without me. Over Christmas break, I text him and talked him into going to the football field with me and talking. Out of everyone I know, he probably knows me best. Maybe not as far as my favorite color, my favorite song, and what I like to do on the weekends, but he is one of the only people I know that knows exactly when something is wrong with me, when there's something that's bothering me, and will call me out on my bull shit excuses that "I'm okay." It was obvious to tell when we hung out, that there are no feelings left towards me from him. Just friends. I don't know how you make yourself get to that point, but I think a lot of it is letting yourself. Just simple allowing yourself to think "You know, I never will be with him again, so I'm not going to have this crazy fantasy idea in my head anymore that we'll somehow be together again." Now you would think with me being such a good manipulator, that this would be as easy as manipulating myself to believe that we WILL be together again. Well it's not. I don't know why I won't let myself let him go. I want to. I truly do. I hate feeling this way. But it's become a normal emotion for me. Just another normal lonely night for Katie.
Something else that is stupid, I think most of it is just me simply needing someone. I'm so damn reliant on other people that I think I have to have someone in my life. Someone to talk to every night before I go to bed, or talk to on the long softball bus rides. I wish I could be happy just being alone. I wish I could make myself believe that when the "real deal" comes along, I won't be looking, he'll just show up. Eventually I'll grow up and learn to be alone. Until then, I'll keep playing the heartwrenching music that reminds me of him and I'll keep drawing those lovely depressing pictures. Peace.
