Little Miss Do Your Best

Dating as a teenager and a college student can be one of the most challenging things but for the most part is inevitable. As the teenage years fade away and turn into the responsibility of living without the parentals and managing a budget new challenges come along as well. The innocent boys we knew in middle school are turning into men with hormones and expectations. Now I'm not judgmental enough to say all guys are this way, but I do have to say from my experience a good majority of the guys are the same. It takes a good deal of searching and self control to find someone who will treat you like their princess and take in all your flaws and not judge you about your past. Personally I have been fortunate enough to have great guys come along and treat me just as I have described above. I don't have the most flawless past in the world and I consider myself somewhat hard to get along with when it comes to the male species. Putting all this aside, I have had guys come into my life and put up with all my mood swings and fit in with my family, which also not necessarily a hard thing to do, but with my 85-year old grandmother who suffers form Alzheimer's, my mother who is in my opinion one of the loudest women on the face of the earth, and a father who has very strong opinions about the Catholic faith and expresses them very openly. Don't get me wrong, I love my family to the end of the earth and wouldn't trade them for anything, but they can be hard to accept with combined with my personality. 

With that being said, I have concluded that I did not deserve any of these guys who have come along and treated me with compassion I do not earn. I think I almost have a talent of drawing guys in and then after I get settled into a relationship, I get bored. I like the chase, but as soon as I get what I want and there's nothing to fight for anymore I get bored. And I do not know how, but I think the first shock of how likable I CAN be and how much attention and compassion I show to these guys in the first few weeks of being together gets them hooked. I talked with one of my exes recently and I told him that I did not know how anyone puts up with my crap and he agreed with me but also interjected that there is just something about be - he can't point it out necessarily, but there's something that keeps them around. Another interesting thing about me, I have never been broken up with. I am the heartbreaker. And another funny thing that in almost every instance, after I break the poor guys heart who I do not deserve in the first place, I want them back literally right at the moment when I cannot have them anymore. Jealousy? Most likely... I'm always wanting something I can't have. I like to fight for what I want. I had a semi-relationship with a guy this previous year where we never "dated" but we hung out/talked sufficiently and he refused to actually enter a relationship with me. We kept hanging out and I kept holding on, because I was fighting for his attention and fighting for him to stay with me, hoping that eventually he'd change his mind. 

I have a theory that the longer I am forced to fight for the guy the longer the relationship lasts. The one guy I have been stuck on (we have been broken up almost 2 years now) I had to fight for him for nearly two months. And not just to get his attention, but against another girl. The other girl is hands down ten times prettier than I am and much more athletic than I. I still remember the day I found out it was me he was going to continue to see instead of her. It was my high. Maybe that's what it is, I'm addicted to the high of getting what I want, and once that high wears off, I search for it again. The guy I fought for last year, the high never really went away, because every time I got him to hang out with me was a success in my book. 

What I need to work on doing is treating the guys I pull into my little world like kings. Like they treat me. I really don't think you should have to make yourself want to be with someone, but honestly, I have to start somewhere. So from here on out, my goal is to be the best girlfriend anyone could ask for. Treasure every minute I get to spend with him and linger on every word he says to me. We'll see how long this last.. and how well it works.